having just watched the bbc and tbhwk in action, there was only one chance left of leaving this hell hole with any dignity. well, we have no dignity anyway, so it’s a losing battle. like not getting knocked up for these bitches. but whatev. all hopes lay with the notorious VAG, or, as they called her on the west coast, vaggie loose. but looking back at the events of yesterday, i should have known that VAG was about to go down. yes, like that.
cut to the past day, these hos and i were kickin it (like jet li) at the hotel when i spotted some foreigner with hair dyed like he was part of *nsync. that was cool. in 1996. too bad it was 10 years later. these bitches immediately labeled him tiger stripe. even though tigers are orange and black, and this guy’s hair was yellow and black. stupid sluts. alas, t-minus two minutes later, the notorious VAG is up and running after tiger stripe, who in the span of 30 seconds has been renamed TS. not like ts elliot. she spins TS around and says to him, “you are the music while the music lasts.”TS, being uneducated about all things, especially how to do his hair, responds with the infamous, “whaaa?”. VAG, not known to be shy, sharply quips back, “that’s ts elliot. whatev, he’s dead. you are cute. let’s bang later. and by later, i mean at the afterparty.” with that, vaggie loose came back to us. the bbc and tbhwk sat around in shock. the kind of shock a bitch experiences when someone busts a nut in their eye.
cut to the afterparty. VAG and TS were hitting it off big time. it was kinda cute. if you liked that kind of stuff. there was one pretty funny moment when one of TS’ friends danced with the VAG. in ten seconds of dancing contact, this man got erect. in his penis. into her back. an awkward look on her face later, vaggie loose was back with TS. the night ended with an exchange of not only digits, but some saliva as well. all seemed well. but things never end well for these bitches.
cut to one weekend later. im chilling with these bitches once again. because i have nothing better to do with my life. we’re sitting around discussing how big of a ho the biggest ho we know is when alas, a phone call comes from TS’ phone. the notorious VAG is giddy as can be, and while her annoying as mosquitoes ringtone is going off like the incredible hulk, she tells us all excitedly about her and TS and how he is in vancouver (i told you he was a foreigner) and how great he is and how much fun he is and just shoot me now, she finally picks up. an excited “hi TS!” quickly turns into a look of shock. and awe. TS is not on the other line. turns out, it’s TS’ main bitch, his gf. how this dual toned hair boy wonder has a legit girlfriend is beyond me. vaggie loose starts to tighten up and i could sense panic setting in. she hangs up. seconds later, the phone blows up again. more threats. hang up. lather, rinse, repeat for the next hour.
cut to one day later. the notorious VAG’s phone starts blowing up with texts. in his ghetto vancouver way of texting, which includes such gems like, “b0i eYe iz crAYzEe oVa HeaR”, and “dAt bitCH eYe duNN0 hEr”, he expresses his undying love for her. VAG, having a surprisingly level head on her shoulders, responds by telling TS to peace out.
cut to one week later. once again, i have nothing to do, so i’m with these bitches. fuck my life. this bitch’s phone is blowing up like it’s london and it double ya double ya eye eye up in this place. it’s from vancouver, so she picks up. it’s not TS. some guy claims to be his friend. that’s a lie. TS has no friends. whatev. TS’ “friend” goes on about how he really likes the VAG (who doesn’t?), but his bitch ex-gf is outta control like 50 cent and mobb deep. actually, more like kurt cobain outta control, because she’s threatening to kill herself if the VAG and TS keep talking. true story. VAG, realizing that this is all 4 time zones away, lets him know that, and adds that it is 100% not worth her time. but no. in vancouver, the phone has just been passed on to guess who? TS’ mother! true story. so this auntie gets on the phone and is like, “beti, my son is in real love with you, but his ex is crazy, and we just need to take of her, then all will be free for you!” true story. VAG, known to pass out spontaneously, sits down, and asks momma TS if this is legit. her reply? “of course beti. soon, TS is going to call you while glenn close is on the phone listening in, and he will say there is nothing going on between you two, and you will agree! then, he will work things out with her to avoid a bunny rabbit in my dhaal situation, and we will be rid of her.” true story.
cut to one hour later. VAG is bugging out. the phone rings. it’s TS. he starts off with, “oh hello there. i would just like to say, there is nothing going on between us.” meanwhile, i can hear this other bitch breathing on the phone like she needs advair. the VAG, known to mess about with the best laid plans of men, responds classically. “um. no.” she hangs up, and never answers his phone call again. she looks over at us with a devilish smile on her face. “well, that was a bad decision”.
