i hate these bitches. here i am, the only penis in this car, and i got these three bitches with me. whenever i’m with them, all i smell is rank vag. it’s like i just stepped into a brothel. located in vietnam. during nam. except this time, they’re crying like they just lost their virginity. except they didn’t. that event is ancient history. like nam. who are these hos? well, they just happen to be my bffs, “bitches for-f’n-ever”. i don’t roll anywhere without them, partly because i love the stank, and partly cuz there is always a good story whenever we get together. tonight just happened to be a doozy, because as luck would have it, each of these bitches turned in a classic.

we’re making this treacherous trip to some dump in western ny. we get there finally, but the damn wheel fell off my car while we were driving through guess what? a blizzard! we managed to survive that catastrophe, but not before my eardrums are damaged forever from the sound of these bitches screaming their heads off because a) they thought they were gonna die, or b) they thought they were pregnant. either way, same sound. so we are there for some show. we get there, do our thing, peace out, and get ready for the main event…the afterparty. we go back to the hotel, transfer the drinks from their bottles to our bodies, and get on the bus to the party downtown. on the bus, the terrible three make a pact to makeout with someone, with bonus points awarded to whoever dry humped. so we all roll up the club and everyone stops dead in their tracks. the legends have arrived. mind you, we are not legendary for what we do on the stage, but for the shenanigans that go down after stage time. these people are legit shocked and awed by our actions, and yet this only feeds our desire to engage in even more immoral, unchaste, unbridled debauchery. that, my friends, is where the stories begin. 

first up we got the bbc, the big brown cunt. why is that her name? well, i looked, and its a true fact. so this bitch has a fetish for mildly attractive ivy leaguers who can dance mildly well. because she’s mildly a slut. and by mildly a slut, i mean paris hilton. of course, this bitch uses her wily ways and lures some poor, unsuspecting fellow to fall prey to her wanton flirtations. alas, this was during this slut-in-training’s initiation process, so at this moment in time, she is somewhat unfamiliar to how the game is to be played at these aftershow orgies. her prey happens to be unattractive. short. dark. cocky. where such ugly looking guys develop these charming characteristics, i just don’t know. although, for this ho, it was a killer combo. fo sho. ya know? oh bro. nonetheless, they start getting their grind on for a good 3 hours, and i just look on in shame because this bitch is doing it all wrong. but cut the ho some slack, she is a silly freshmen as compared to her more experienced comrades in vag. they are grinding away for what seems like an eternity, and the guy, a senior to be noted, is getting impatient, because, as the great k. west would say, “if you fuckin’ with this girl/then you betta be paid/you know why/take too much to touch her”. clearly, he wanted to up the ante as soon enough, all the first gen immigrants were about to get booted from the club. so he lures her to some secluded corner of this giant ass dungeon ass club and the make out has begun. it was not a good scene, as let us not forget, she is no pro yet. also to be noted, she was waste case, but alas, he was as sober as a mormon with 6 wives and 27 children. realizing her failings at the game called “sexy time”, she pulls away and shows off her speciality. being awkward. bitch makes up some bs excuse about catching up with her friends slash going to the bathroom slash slashing her wrists because the event was that awful. realizing that he had been trying to take advantage of an underage, super lame-o starts apologizing, but because this bitch is outta control and has no tact and lacks decent social skills, she legit exits the dance floor with no further words exchanged. she runs to the bar and proudly exclaimed that she had accomplished her goal. imagine how proud her parents would have been to witness this spectacle and ensuing announcement. two seconds later, the guy walks by the bar on his way out of the scene with his short dark chums, and straight ignores her. i look over and realized she has died inside. not a little bit. a lotta bit. she looks back at me and says, “well, that was a bad decision”.