as told by the big brown cunt…

so this bitch, big ass wali, waits all week for this party on friday night. why? because its a god damn beach party. in upstate ny. in march. who the hell had the brilliant idea to have a beach party in march in upstate ny? anyways, she super excited for this beach party. why? because the bitch is the biggest ho we know. fo sho. so we go to the mall beforehand to get some “i want ass” clothes. why? because big ass wali wants some ass. so what does she end up doing? bitch ends up dropping a benji on slutty ass clothes. mind you, we were planning to spend at most $4 from the clearance rack at forever 21. this bitch bought everything from a new bra, some heels, a thong for that big ass, and then some. her goal for her outfit? to be, as they lamely say, “decked out”. and of course, to get some ass. and what color did she pick? why surprise surprise! that gay ass teal that she adores so much.

so we finally leave the cess pool known as the mall, and get back to our place. bitch showers and starts her ritual process of grooming her big ass butt. this process takes on average, 6 hours. our new bitch friend fran, joins us wearing an equally revealing beach towel dress function. meanwhile, i’m standing here, looking at what the shite these bitches are wearing. i was not familiar with the fabrics these girls were wearing; i think it was some new creation called ultimate whore. then they put on their faces, and the shots begin. and things start to get messy like pigpen. then, our ride appears. and the fuzziness kicks in a bit, but lo and beho, we have arrived at the beach party. in upstate ny. in march. 

so we arrive, and of course, since we look like total sluts, there is no cover, no charge, booya. whoever said there is no such thing as a free drink has a penis. or is just really fugly. so we walk in and its jello shots, beer, vodka galore, and big ass wali is going crazy. something that i noticed while these two bitches were going crazy was that no one else had decided to follow the beach theme. people were in legit sweaters. with a turtleneck. and cable knitting. so this bitch is getting her drink on when she spots a small ethnic looking fellow near the beer pong table. and i’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that it was like lake erie in big ass wali’s bikini bottoms. bitch turns to her wing bitch fran and notifies her that she has located her prey. slut mode…engaged. slut 1 and slut 2 get to work. slut 2 works her magic, aka bends over, and the boy follows her back to slut 1. unfortunately, it was the wrong small ethnic looking fellow. 

we were surrounded by them. the wrong small ethnic looking fellows. they were like cockroaches. except without the cock. i, being the only rational person in this situation, let the guy know he was a mistake. like the child of a pair of 12 year olds. but alas, guys at these kinds of galas are pretty persistent and overlook rejection fairly easily, and he hung around like herpes. so what do slut 1 and slut 2 decide to do then? get some more drinks in them. as they pour shot number 10, and i mentally prepare for a night of taking care of a double alcohol poisoning, the correct ethnic midget walks over with his ugly posse and asks me where i’m from. because i’m secretly ashamed of admitting my true background, i respond with a vague, “south asia”. he quickly responds with a, “oh shit, i had a bet going on with my vile friend that you were either from india or italy! i’m from lebanon!”. fake laughter ensued and i wanted to remove them from my sphere, so i pushed them over to big ass wali, who wanted nothing more than to suck his dick at that very moment. so, unfortunately for me, we all chat and pretend to be friends, and find out he goes to med school with my cousin, so we bond over this mutual person. and of course, he is being uber creepy. uber touchy feely. uber annoying. so i uber remove myself from the sitcho.

time passes, and we all become a little more tipsy because of the abundance of free liquor. time is wasted talking to more lame-os. but the time has come for me to use the facilities. as i make my way towards the std infested bathroom, i stop dead in my tracks. blocking the door to the bathroom is my slut number 1. pushed up against the door. with a leg wrapped around a small ethnic herpes sore. making out. hardxxxcore. it was like a bad porno. it was vile. it was disgusting. but could i look away? the answer to that, is a resounding no. taking a second to think, i realized something: as slut 1 was in a position where she was getting over a tough breakup, i felt perhaps this rebound therapy would be good medicine. but, i really needed to pee, so something needed to happen. thankfully, they were so engrossed in each others’ mouths that they kindly rolled along the wall, freeing the bathroom door for my use. life was good. the night eventually winds down and we leave.

we get dropped off in front of our dorm. big ass wali starts bitching and bitching about wanting to go to her ex-bf’s room. and i’m like “bitch, are you stupid in the head, get up to your room”. and she’s like, “i really miss him, i wanna see him, blah blah, suck his dick”. and then, i bitch slap that ho. i tell her, “you just made out with a lebanese jew, why do you want to see him?”. she stops her emotions like she just got bitch slapped, which she did. she looks at me with these big doe eyes in disbelief. “he was jewish?” she asks. i am 100% certain she died a little bit after discovering his affinity for the torah. but then, i’m like “you just dated a muslim! it’s basically the same shit, no bacon either way”. realizing the errors of her ways, big ass wali took a step back, wiped her eyes, and replied, “well, that was a bad decision”.